A Curious Addiction - Excessive Naval Gazing
From merriam-webster dictionary:
Navel-gazing(noun): useless or excessive self-contemplation
I've spent much of my time over the last 2-5 years navel gazing, particularly since I returned to Denver in January of 2023 after 4 months back in Medellin.
I began therapy (which I've done consistently since then), studied philosophy, journaled, started a men's group, and generally focused on becoming a more content, happy person.
Ironically, it had the opposite effect in many ways.
Looking at the above definition of navel-gazing, I think the most important part is the word excessive.
My Own Worst Enemy
One trend I've noticed in recent years is the number of people who spend a great deal of time in therapy, yet seem to not make any tangible progress. They keep ending up in broken relationships, suffering from bouts of depression/anxiety, and continue needing therapy despite all the time they've spent trying to 'get better'.
I fear that mental health is so in vogue that many people assume simply 'doing the work' will lead to progress, ignoring the fact that there are in fact right and wrong ways to work on yourself.
This varies based on the individual, but as someone who holds himself to a very high standard it's so easy to find things to critique. In a world of hero worship where people broadcast their fan-freaking-tastic lives on social media, it's easy to see how 'great' everyone else is doing and think you come up short.
This is a very dangerous illusion.
Shame keeps us from sharing the most difficult aspects of our lives, but social media incentivizes us to share a highlight reel of the top moments. Seeing the best moments of other people's lives skews our perspective of what is realistically achievable, and combined with an excessive amount of time spent ruminating(not reflecting) one can quickly shift from self improvement to self sabotage.
"There's a fine line between 'doing the work' and picking on yourself."
In my experience self work tends to be a future-oriented activity. You think about who you are right now, identify things you want to improve, then try to figure out how to be that way in the future.
But thought patterns and behaviors are difficult to change, no matter how ironclad you think your plans/strategies are.
It's good to reflect on who you are and who you want to be, but at a certain point you need to stop navel gazing and just live your damn life! As Seneca said: "While we wait for life, life passes."
As you pass through time don't forgot to simply enjoy existing here, in this moment. Cause that's all we got, this time right now.
I recently pulled back from how I thought I should be living and asked myself a simple question: "Ignoring all judgements(especially your own), what do you actually want to do with your time? What brings you joy?"
The answer is hilariously simple. Recently I've returned to spending time with friends in small enough groups to have a real conversation (2-4 people max), have been going down a rabbit hole learning a new cooking skill(baking), playing video games with friends, and reading fiction.
These are the things I've enjoyed the most over the last two decades, and having things I constantly look forward to doing has short-circuited so much negativity in my self talk. I still go to the gym to maintain my health and spend some time reflecting, but being in a much better place makes it feel a lot less necessary.
Maybe playing video games isn't the most 'productive' way to spend time, and not going out on mountain adventures is a poor use of my remaining time in Denver, but quite frankly...I don't give a fuck.
Feeling content and happy for the first time I can remember, the internal dialogue around what I 'should' be doing seems like a whisper in the background by comparison.
No, I haven't achieved enlightment by any stretch. No, I'm not perfect. Yes I still have a lot of work to do. But I'm feeling pretty damn good about how far I've come, so it seems only fair to give myself some space to enjoy it for a while!
As a wise man once said:
The journey ends in the same place for all of us: death. There is no destination where things will magically fall into place and now your life can begin because you've figured everything out. The only real answer is that there is no answer, so do the best you can while you're here and try to enjoy the ride!
"Life before death. Strength before weakness. Journey before destination." Ideal of The Knights Radiant, from Sanderson's Stormlight Archives