Responsibilities and Priorities

I was recently referred to the same article by both my barber and therapist about dating in Denver being a dumpster fire.

Weirdly serendipitous, but I guess they're both the people that you bitch and moan to about this sorta thing. In it, I was introduced to a new term that's been on my mind a lot lately: Peter Pan syndrome. From wikipedia:

Peter Pan Syndrome is a pop psychology term used to describe an adult who is socially immature. It refers to “never-growing” adults who have reached an adult age, but cannot face their adult sensations and responsibilities.

This topic has been on my mind a lot lately. Early on in my Denver time I was dubbed by my volleyball friends as 'crotchety old man', a title I wholeheartedly embraced!

Every Saturday we'd spend ten or more hours in the nearby park playing volleyball, roasting in the sun, drinking, and having an absolute blast. Then those maniacs wanted to go out to bars and clubs well past midnight! With few exceptions I decided to head home before the party, hence the nickname.

An important detail: many of my volleyball friends were in their late 20s, while I was in my early 30s. Anyone who's crossed that threshold knows that the effects of hangovers and sleep deprivation get much worse around this time, going from hours to days seemingly overnight.

Anyway, to me this made perfect sense! I enjoyed the hell out of my Saturday: got loads of exercise in, had quality time with friends, didn't spend a ton of money in the process, and woke up the next day feeling fantastic (perhaps a bit sore from all the games, but that's a win in my book).

It was a responsible thing to do based on my priorities.

Responsibility, what's that?

When I brought up how I'd been noticing these 'Peter Pan' traits as being more prevalent here in Denver, my friend told me that he thinks it's more generational than locational. It looks like there might be some merit to that, as some have dubbed millenials the Peter Pan generation.

I'd previously brought up with friends something that everyone seems to recognize, understand, and agree with, yet no one wants to wants to do anything about: the fact that we all like to complain about how politicians are corrupt beyond measure and we're being metaphorically bent over a barrel by the powers that be - yet in all my travels, with all the people I met, I never encountered a single rational person who wanted to enter politics to try and fix things.

As I've heard said: "complaining about a problem without proposing a solution is called whining". We all like to bitch and moan about what's wrong, but no one wants to do anything about it! Policitians are supposed to be 'public servants', yet when I look around at my generation I see very few people who are willing to serve others if A) it isn't fun, or B) it doesn't pay obscenely well.

Slacktivism runs rampant, but tangible action is hard to come by.

I've spent a lot of time over the last decade or so trying to build communities. I started a nomad social group in Medellin, a volleyball group here in Denver, and a men's support group (among others). I did this not because it was fun (at times it was really fucking hard), but because I thought(and still think) that loneliness and lack of true connection is critically important(and severely lacking) in the digital age.

These are responsiblities I took on because I believed they were an important service for the world. Yes, I wanted that type of connection and community in my life as well; but I truly believe you need to lead by example to bring about change.

If I do it and bring some good into the world that everyone enjoys, others will see it's not that hard and do the same, right?

Oh how naive I was.

Ticket for one to burnout central

In some areas this was easier; getting people to meet up in the park to play volleyball was a fun thing they wanted to do, so I just had to post the events in places that people would see them and show up consistently. The rest I owe to the awesome people in the volleyball group who made that into the community it is now.

But it often feels like herding cats trying to get people together for the deeper connection points (such as mens group), especially if doing so means saying no to something else that's going to be fun!

When you push hard for these things that would benefit you and everyone else(which they've explicitly told you) and only get a sliver of reciprocation in return time after time...to say it's emotionally taxing would be putting it very mildly. Soul crushing would be closer to the mark.

Stepping Back

So I've decided to step back from external responsibilities for a while, and just do me. Epictetus would have a thing or two to say about me placing excess importance on things outside my sphere of control, and maybe if I'd followed his advice I wouldn't have ended up in this dumpster fire in the first place!

So let's call this a reset to baseline.

To bring things back to the original topic of this piece; I believe that figuring out what(and by extension who) your priorities are and prioritizing them is a huge part of being an actual adult(as opposed to a large child). That's literally why they call it 'being a responsible adult'.

Responsibility shouldn't be feared, it's a huge part of what gives our lives a deeper meaning! The fact that you can have a profound and positive impact on the people and world around you should be celebrated and embraced!

Yet I think my generation is deathly afraid of that fact. We second-guess ourselves and our choices, whether that be career, partner, social group, hobby, you name it.

The internet has given us the illusion of infinite choice in all areas of life, so we're always looking to trade up and are afraid to commit to things for the long haul. Better job. Better partner. We passively peruse what the world has to offer, but rarely are we willing to step out of our comfort zones to create what we think the world needs.

It's much harder to create than to consume.

But it's also more fulfilling.

I hate that I'm about to quote Steve Jobs since every shitposting Instagram wantrepreneur has overdone it; but this is a lesson I'd ingrained in myself long before I read his version of the idea:

Everything around you that you call life, was made up by people who were no smarter than you. And you can change it. And you can influence it. You can build your own things that other people can use. And the minute that you understand that you can poke life, that if you push in, something will pop out the other side. That you can change it. That you can mold it. That's maybe the most important thing.

So I'd encourage others to ask those questions:

• What and who do I truly care about?
• What are my priorities?
• Do my actions align with those priorities?
• Am I being truly responsible for them?

When I confronted these questions I had to admit that if I was to live according to my deeper values, I wouldn't be able to do so where and how I have been(in Denver, namely). This is a big part of why I'm moving back to Buffalo, even though I said I'd never do that.

I don't know if it's the right move...but it makes sense to me, and at this stage in life I've gotta trust my gut and just go with it.

As Kevin Kelly said 'Go with the option that opens up yet more options'. I truly believe in the power of positive constraints; by making a large decision across one area of life(where to make my home base) I no longer have to agonize over my options. That's settled, so now I can focus on what I want to do in the other areas. There's something freeing about that.

I'll leave you with one last line regarding responsibility that I'm a fan of from Jordan Peterson:

To stand up straight with your shoulders back is to accept the terrible responsibility of life, with eyes wide open. It means deciding to voluntarily transform the chaos of potential into the realities of habitable order.

I still believe in creating what I want to see in the world, I'm just taking a break for a bit. But soon enough I'll pick up my hammer and get back to work; I hope more of my fellow millenials will do the same.

P.S. - I realize this piece was more than a little sanctimonious, loaded up with hyperbolic examples to boot. What can I say, it's been an emotional couple of weeks!